Keeping a running list...

I took this job in Hartford because I knew next to nothing about how to do it. I came here to learn. And so far, I've learned something new almost every day. Mostly because I've fucked something up almost every day. In sound, there are just so many ways to fuck things up opportunities for growth. Those lessons, however, are for another post.

Today I'm starting a running list of things I've learned from others' mistakes. Its a list I've been keeping in my head for a while now but its getting too long to remember. Consider it my gift to you. A gift born of bitterness, of the paying of dues, of whining. But also a gift of love - Who knows, it may prevent you and I from becoming total jerks. (?)

Well, At Least I'll Never Do That:

- I will not call my assistant at 8am and then be 30 minutes late. I will also not call my assistant at 8am unless there's something for them to do.
- I will try with every fiber of my being to never respond with, "Jesus fucking Christ."
- I will not make my assistant pick anything up from the printer for me/ walk across the room to deliver anything to anyone else for me/ ask people stressful questions in my stead/ throw things away for me/ wipe my ass for me. Unless I am suddenly paralyzed. Or my arms and legs spontaneously fall off.
- I will not become lazy when using an assistant.
- I will not charge my assistant for his/ her own lunch when I send them out to pick up food for both of us.
- I will do my very best to give clear, concise direction and feedback.
- I will not, by remaining silent when at fault, let my assistant take the blame.
- I will always show up when I said I will. I will not leave people to their own devices, especially when they need me there to teach or make decisions.
- Most importantly, I will try my hardest to always remember be kind.

Any other things you've learned from higher-ups never to do? Feel free to add to the list!

"Because I did not know who I was, any image of myself, no matter how grotesque, had power over me. This much I understand now..."

"...But the man can give no help to the boy, not in this matter nor in those that follow. The boy moves always out of reach."

25 years ago I: Was born with straight black hair. Hair that, of course, fell out a week later to be replaced by straight blond hair. How I ended up with the current version is anyone's guess.

20 years ago I: Raised my hand in kindergarten when ask who the president was, proudly answering, "George Washington."

15 years ago I: Had just moved to a new city at the start of fourth grade and was The New Girl. When a "popular girl" made fun of my friend Banou's shirt, I tried to comfort her. She said, "You act like you don't care if they like you." Surprised at the thought, I replied, "I don't."

10 years ago I: Grew deeply religious and "declared" (officially concerted) myself a Baha'i. I was very lost and had found a loving family in the form of the Los Angeles Baha'i Youth Workshop and the LA Baha'i community. My affiliation with organized religion only lasted for two years but occasionally, in times of fear or emergency, I still catch myself informally praying.

7 years ago I: Lost a father. Gained a... well I'm still not yet sure.

5 years ago I: Applied to, got accepted into, and began attending Carnegie Mellon School of Drama. Realized that I could stop pretending to be an actor. Immense relief.

3 years ago I: Learned way more than anyone should ever know about termites- firsthand. Subsequently, also learned about the importance of 7am fortitude, wearing pajamas and wielding a slipper.

2 years ago I : Graduated from university, something my mother later admitted she wasn't always sure would happen. Come to think of it, several of my high school teachers seemed to doubt my ability to graduate from a university. Most especially my Algebra I teacher Mr. Eede, who would make me say, "Would you like fries with that?" when I failed tests. I'd like to dedicate my college and university honors and my giant diploma from one of the most competitive universities in the country to Mr. Eede. Supersize THAT, motherf***er.

1 year ago I: Sold my soul to the devil and joined a big fancy architectural lighting design firm. It was absolutely the right choice at the time. And that's what I'm going to say about that.

So far this year I: Have regained my soul, left New York, traveled to Prague, taught an intro sound course, moved to Hartford, rechristened myself, begun to learn to love myself, begun to learn what trust is, begun proving myself as a sound designer.

Huh. Hmmm...


And you???? If you could chose just one thing to share from each of these yearly milestones (accept for the current year), what would you choose?

"I've got a lot to learn/ and a lot of nerve/ so baby watch me while I take this curve."

Did you know that the transformation a caterpillar undergoes to become a butterfly is actually completely disgusting? Until recently, I certainly didn't. I've always assumed that the little caterpillar just kind of took a long nap in its cocoon, grew wings, and then popped out all fresh(!) and new(!) and beautiful(!). Turns out, that's only the g-rated part of the story.

When a caterpillar goes into his cocoon, he definitely does not nap. His body dissolves into goo as it is attacked by its own immune system. He completely looses himself in this goo, his immune system killing everything he used to be, but for a single imaginal cell. This cell fights back and reproduces until there are enough cells to form a completely new creature. THEN the pretty-wing-making starts.

Suddenly, it seems like a much more appropriate metaphor, doesn't it?


I'm in Hartford, CT, by the way. At this point, I've lost track of who I've spoken to about this. I sort of needed a break from the world at large for a while this summer. I had a fantastic opportunity to build myself a little cocoon and now I'm trying to reconnect with everyone.

I'm the new Audio Engineer (read: sound op, one-woman sound crew/ coordinator/ point person) at Hartford Stage. Its crazy because the job is much easier than I expected but the move has been a million times harder. I've been here for about 5 weeks now (feels like forever) and I'm starting to get more grounded here.

Its difficult not knowing anyone in a city. I'm just now starting to befriend people at work. I didn't take into account that they would actually be shyer than I am, so I only recently realized I had to take the initiative. Its been really great to hang out with people after almost a month of isolation! Its still too early to tell if real friendships will bud but at least I'm passing the time.

I'm also taking advantage of the freedom of solitary living and I'm learning all sorts of new things. I've taken up needlework and am becoming addicted - So far I'm doing needle felting and embroidery but I'm also really curious about quilting. Not in the little house on the prairie sense but in a fiber art sense. I'm also learning to cook. I've got a couple of recipes down and am almost always eating meals I prepare. I'm really proud of this new-found domesticity. Its not something I was taught growing up and its making it possible to create a simple and satisfying life.

On the upside, I'm finally doing something that scares the pants off me and trying to make a living in Theater. I'm also surprisingly competent at this new job. I took this job for several reasons, two of which were the chance to fill some knowledge gaps about audio gear and the chance to prove to myself I can hack it in sound. The biggest reason I didn't go into sound right after school was that I was so terrified I'd just make a fool of myself. I had no idea what any of the gear or the millions of connectors and buttons did. Well, I'm certainly learning what they do now. My supervisor is hardly ever around, leaving me to figure things out through trial and error (mercifully, usually in private). While this is sometimes frustrating, I know its the exact way I need to be learning right now. When I can't figure something out, I am sometimes quick to panic, give up, and ask for help. I'm learning that I can almost always find the answer on my own if I keep focused. So not only am I learning about gear, I'm learning about confidence.

This move has been difficult and it will continue to be so. I'm broke as shit, far away from where my heart is, and struggling with a non-design job. But at the end of the day, I am still sure this is what I needed to do. And that is almost always not the thing that's easiest to do.

I'm proud of myself here. And that's not nothing.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."