"I've got a lot to learn/ and a lot of nerve/ so baby watch me while I take this curve."

Did you know that the transformation a caterpillar undergoes to become a butterfly is actually completely disgusting? Until recently, I certainly didn't. I've always assumed that the little caterpillar just kind of took a long nap in its cocoon, grew wings, and then popped out all fresh(!) and new(!) and beautiful(!). Turns out, that's only the g-rated part of the story.

When a caterpillar goes into his cocoon, he definitely does not nap. His body dissolves into goo as it is attacked by its own immune system. He completely looses himself in this goo, his immune system killing everything he used to be, but for a single imaginal cell. This cell fights back and reproduces until there are enough cells to form a completely new creature. THEN the pretty-wing-making starts.

Suddenly, it seems like a much more appropriate metaphor, doesn't it?


I'm in Hartford, CT, by the way. At this point, I've lost track of who I've spoken to about this. I sort of needed a break from the world at large for a while this summer. I had a fantastic opportunity to build myself a little cocoon and now I'm trying to reconnect with everyone.

I'm the new Audio Engineer (read: sound op, one-woman sound crew/ coordinator/ point person) at Hartford Stage. Its crazy because the job is much easier than I expected but the move has been a million times harder. I've been here for about 5 weeks now (feels like forever) and I'm starting to get more grounded here.

Its difficult not knowing anyone in a city. I'm just now starting to befriend people at work. I didn't take into account that they would actually be shyer than I am, so I only recently realized I had to take the initiative. Its been really great to hang out with people after almost a month of isolation! Its still too early to tell if real friendships will bud but at least I'm passing the time.

I'm also taking advantage of the freedom of solitary living and I'm learning all sorts of new things. I've taken up needlework and am becoming addicted - So far I'm doing needle felting and embroidery but I'm also really curious about quilting. Not in the little house on the prairie sense but in a fiber art sense. I'm also learning to cook. I've got a couple of recipes down and am almost always eating meals I prepare. I'm really proud of this new-found domesticity. Its not something I was taught growing up and its making it possible to create a simple and satisfying life.

On the upside, I'm finally doing something that scares the pants off me and trying to make a living in Theater. I'm also surprisingly competent at this new job. I took this job for several reasons, two of which were the chance to fill some knowledge gaps about audio gear and the chance to prove to myself I can hack it in sound. The biggest reason I didn't go into sound right after school was that I was so terrified I'd just make a fool of myself. I had no idea what any of the gear or the millions of connectors and buttons did. Well, I'm certainly learning what they do now. My supervisor is hardly ever around, leaving me to figure things out through trial and error (mercifully, usually in private). While this is sometimes frustrating, I know its the exact way I need to be learning right now. When I can't figure something out, I am sometimes quick to panic, give up, and ask for help. I'm learning that I can almost always find the answer on my own if I keep focused. So not only am I learning about gear, I'm learning about confidence.

This move has been difficult and it will continue to be so. I'm broke as shit, far away from where my heart is, and struggling with a non-design job. But at the end of the day, I am still sure this is what I needed to do. And that is almost always not the thing that's easiest to do.

I'm proud of myself here. And that's not nothing.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."